Mr Sinister Smile

A poem by Roxanne Ramlucken

Minister, sinister smile.
You have been all that I could think of for a while
You gave me the affection that I so desperately craved.
Thinking that I needed you to be saved.
You'd say one thing and I’d agree
Oh, how you’ve fooled everyone including me!
To think that was the smile I once loved,
Yet you put me down so that you could feel above.
You chose your words so carefully,
To subtly belittle me perfectly.
It’s so confusing, it doesn’t make sense
Why are you so mad over a short dress?
You worry about my safety, it’s easy to see.
Or was it all to keep control over me?
That smile I couldn’t wait to see.
That very same smile tormented me.
You built me up, to tear me down.
Oh, how could you push me to the ground?
I never thought you’d use force,
Let alone carry on with no remorse.
With your hands around my throat
That was the end to the love story I wish we never wrote.
So turn it all on me, that's nothing new.
At least I know what I have to do.
I'll keep my copy of that video you made,
Gaslighting is not going to cause my memories to fade.
And when you cross my mind now and then
I'm just glad that I'll never see that smile again.

Some background information from the poet:

This is a poem that I wrote of my personal experience of being in a relationship with a narcissist. It touches on the emotional abuse that eventually led up to physical violence. It's important to remember that these relationships never start with violence, the abuser appears to be loving, caring and protective of their partner. Everyone asks the question 'why doesn't she just leave?' It's not that simple. Our tormentor is someone that we loved with all our hearts, that's why it's hard to let go and often deny that this is happening to us. They integrate themselves into our life, so much so that it becomes a codependent relationship. They take their time, getting to know everything about us and so that they know exactly which buttons to push to get the reaction that they want. In my situation he knew what to do to antagonize me and then get me to feel sorry for him and forgive him. This eventually led to feelings of self-doubt and self-blame. Verbal abuse starts subtly, before it starts getting aggressive. For me physical violence was always a deal breaker. In a way if he hadn't done what he did to me, I'd still be trying to make it work within a toxic controling relationship. But it doesn't always have to get to this point, especially if you can identify that you're being emotionally abused.

The following link was helpful to me:
Signs of Mental Abuse

After leaving my relationship I was able to reflect and realized that I suffered years of emotional abuse before the onset of physical violence.

I’m Tired of Being Silent.

Women.